Finding Our Colors
by Jaspered01
Summary: Marriage- it's lovely in the beginning, then something gets lost along the way. Jasper tries to figure out just what was lost along the way.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: I'll be going with the flow on this story. The chapters, as you can see, will be short. I think its better that way- to help break up the drama. I have no set limit on how long this story will be, however long it takes me to tell their story will determine the length. Hope you enjoy!**

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I think I always knew, I'm sure of it. The signs were so bright, but you know how in that very long moment, when everything is taking place, you become the only blind one. Everyone else is aware, then because being the only blind one and for not seeing something that is so clear, they deem you a fool. And maybe, I am. I sure feel like one.

But how does happiness diminish over time. It's a slow death, that I very well know; nice in a way cause you know its happening, though bittersweet never the less. In fourteen years, I loved him, I loved him fiercely and deeply.

In the first moments of our fourteen minutes of marriage, our love was so fresh and new. That kind of unknown love gives you chills and thrills throughout your body. Makes you giggle unashamed. Those butterflies of hearing the phone ring, and then knowing its _them _on the other end. Everyone enjoys that newness of starting out.

In fighting to save us, the harshest reality is is when you're the only one fighting. What happened to us, to me, to him?

I'm trying to figure that out.

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**As always let me know what you think, I appreciate it.**


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Thank you for the reviews so far. Hope you enjoy!**

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"Where are you going now?" I asked Edward for the second time in three hours. This is routine really, he never stays home for long at any

given time. For his second outing, he is nicely dressed; plain black V-neck shirt, and a nice pair of jeans. This obvious clean display of

sharpness shows me that he isn't even trying to hide the fact that he will be out late tonight. For a doctor, he always complained he never

had any spear time, though that's when I asked him could we have some time together. But now, it's as if he has all the time in the world

to go whenever he pleases. Leaving me at home. For two years, in our crumbling marriage, I have tried with all my being to get him to talk;

given him space when he has asked, set up personal counseling and marriage counseling for us, but he refuses to partake in saving whatever

union we have left.

I asked Edward one night "Why?", I wasn't quite sure what that 'why' was for, but I knew I needed an answer to what was taking place, to

what went wrong.

He just told me, "Cause. I need to be my own person." In my mind all I could say, what the hell kind of answer is that. So selfish, in our

years together, I have never known Edward to be so selfish.

Right now, I'm starting to get tired...I'm tired of being in a union by myself, tired of being disrespected, and thrown away. I will not take it

for long.

"Going out." He says, walking out the door, not even looking in my direction.

"OK." In that 'OK', I knew those would be my final words I would willingly utter to him.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Thank you for the reviews. Enjoy!**

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"Good for you man, about damn time. I was starting to wonder if you'd wake up and see the bullshit that was going on." Emmett's huge form said, coming in for a hug.

"So this means you aren't pissed...at...me?" I asked him for obvious reasons.

"Jasper, listen man. I'm fucking proud of you, I love my brother, I would never abandon Edward for anyone outside the family. But fuck man, wrong is wrong and right is right. And that motherfucker is in the deepest shit of wrong." In my mind I was seeing another out-come to this conversation. When I decided to leave Edward, I didn't think any of his family would want me around anymore, I hoped they would being that I had no family of my own, but I also understood that I was married into their family through their son. Truth be told, I needed them more then ever, I just needed someone.

My biggest worry was Emmett, I loved Emmett, he has been like a true brother to me; my go to man. And honestly, I thought maybe Emmett might kick my ass for leaving his brother. An ass whipping from his massive form was sure to bring pain. I knew I would miss Esme, Carlisle, Alice, and Rose...God Rose, she's something else altogether. All the Cullen's are unique people.

"Jasper, I wish I had the guts to be up-front and honest about Edward and asking you if you knew. Now, I'm not the smartest person at reading between the lines, but looking at you over these last couple of years, I figured you probably had an idea man."

"You're my friend and my brother dude, and you have my support. But, uh- Jasper...man between me and you. I think you should get tested."

"Tested for what?"

"You know Garrett, the one who helps me train the athletes."

"Um, yeah I remember him."

"Well you know he has a cousin who is gay, he said one night he went out with his cousin to celebrate his birthday. Garrett said when he went up to the bath room, he thought he saw Edward with some other dude- they were fucking, and according to Garrett condom-less. He said he know this because Edward pulled out of the other dude and started coming on him. Garrett said there was no pause to pull off a condom, no upward hand tossing motion- just straight jacking off on the guy. When he went back to met with his cousin, Garrett mentioned it to him, his cousin said that the red head guy is pretty popular; cause he's one of the few that will bareback."

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**As always, reviews are welcomed.**


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: I'm not one to do a long AN now, and I'm not going to start. For certain readers, it's real simple- you do not have to read the story. Deleting negative reviews I find is a waste of time, but at the time I rather people be able to enjoy the story for themselves and give it a try because I know there are some readers who read the reviews first then the story. If its respectful criticism, then its all good, but if you're going to be nasty and hateful then take that shit somewhere else. Enjoy!**

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How the hell could have not noticed this. Edward's cheating was obvious, no matter how much denial I was in; Emmett wasn't telling me anything new about Edwards' infidelity, but I wish he had told me sooner. I understand its hard to tell a blind person something; to describe something to them in detail. I also understand that it was none of Emmett's business to inform me of such a thing, as hard as a concept like that is to fathom, I had to figure this out on my own. However, what I can't understand, what makes me angry, betrayed, and hurt is Emmett knowing about what Garrett told him for a whole week.

I couldn't turn around when he called for my return, I couldn't even look at him. I needed space from all of them, they all made me feel unwanted.

"What the hell did you just ask me?"

"I think you heard me clear _Dr_. Cullen, I said who have you been sleeping with." Throwing his things down on the floor, he slowly lets his jacket slid down his shoulders, unloosens his tie, kicks off his shoes, calmly and steadily walks into the kitchen, grabs a beer, closes the frig, all through this never looking at me. He finally settles onto the couch.

"Edward, just tell me, tell me the truth about everything. I have tired so hard to understand what has been going on, but you won't speak to me. I think I deserve this much." I knew my voice sounded so desperate, being deprived of the truth for so long will make you sound like that.

"Whoever I fucking please, that's who." I looked at him, I knew tears where streaming down my face. I couldn't understand who this person was anymore.

" Well as you know, chlamydia is curable."


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: In real life, when you hear stories of marriages gone wrong- the victim tells the history of their marriage; how their spouse almost killed them, cheated and abused them...yet they stayed. Nothing is fetched. Enjoy!**

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" Some would call my method of therapy unorthodox, personally I don't believe it is, but the anals that strictly go by the book find the methods and exercises I use outrages. I am going to be up-front here Jasper, I do not sugar code anything for my patients; I am not your friend, I do not have all the answers you will want and need me to have. I do however, have the tools in which can help you find the answer that better fits you to become a healthy being."

" Alright..." I said as Dr. Swan obviously waited for my answer. Folding his leg across his other as he turned the pages of his thick sheets of papers.

" To make sure I got this right, you're gay?"

" Yes."

" Recently separated from your husband?"

" Mmhm."

" That's all I need to know right now."

" OK, so.."

" Well Jasper the good thing I see about you is that you're not easily broken, and that's good. But what I also see is that you are lost and confused, and that is bad."

" I guess that's good then."

" Yes, but don't get ahead of yourself Jasper. You're also are doing something that will hurt you in the long run." I was starting to see how he was not popular amongst his colleges. I was starting to get a little pissed, everything he seemed to be saying was negative.

In my voice I could hear a bit of my own frustration, " And what could that possibly be?"

" You have stopped breathing Jasper, and you will die if you don't. Our goal is to find that breath for you and keep you alive."


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: Thank you for the reviews and the support of the story so far. Enjoy!**

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I never thought I would find myself in this position as an thirty-year old man; going through a divorce, no friends or family of my own, attending therapy, and completely restarting my life over. To say its overwhelming is an understatement. But slowly and surly I am finding my way- breathing again as Dr. Crown would say. Edward and I still aren't on speaking terms, but when he was served the divorce papers he set my phone on fire. I refused to answer.

I knew soon I would have to face him as part as my healing, forgiving and moving on process. I wasn't ready for that and to be honest, I really didn't want to. I saw no reason as to why I had to give him anymore of myself then I already gave. I fell over backwards for Edward, yet he never even offered a hand to pick me up.

However, Dr. Crown annoyingly made it a point, if I didn't confront Edward, I " may as well just give up because Edward still very much has the power here, especially over you Jasper. Your answer is and always will be "why"? Why did he cheat, why did he stop loving you, why, why, why.", him saying that really pissed me off, and we had a longer section then usual. That man always somehow manages to piss me off, with his rude comments and snarky remarks, but the ass always seems to know what he is talking about.

Tough, rough, truthful 'love' or advice in his case.

I didn't want to do it, but I had to.

"Edward, its Jasper."


	7. Chapter 7

**Sorry for the late chapter, I thought I had it posted, but when I received a review today I realized I did not put the chapter up. Also, because of that review I have a longer AN. Sooo...**

**A few of you seem to be upset with how I am moving forward with the story, and that's fine. However, as I've stated before I am going to do as I please with the story without any review affecting the outcome. Though I do think I am doing a good job, I hope, at getting people to have real reactions and emotions towards the story. I see that as an positive. As always, enjoy!**

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"I see no reason for my being here. I'm not the one who is in need of help."

I never thought it possible, but hearing Edward's voice, especially in the manner in which he was speaking was making me sick to my stomach. But I knew that the new asshole Edward was no match against Dr. Swan or at least I hoped like hell he wasn't. Out of the three of us, they were the only strong ones within this room and I also had the feeling that Dr. Swan could be as cruel as he needed to be. I also got the feeling that this would be a set down of my exclusion, it would be a show, an observation of what I was going to go up against. Dr. Swan was a smart man, he was giving me a chance to see Edwards weakness by observing this new Edward I never had the chance to.

So I sat there in silence and I watched.

"You really think so, uh?" Dr. Swan asked, with a mocking laugh. Edward crossed his arms and stared the doctor down.

"I have no reason to think about it, I know. Isn't that the reason Jasper is here because he needs _fixing_. The only reason I am here is out of obligation; a court order before the divorce is able to be moved forward."

"Sorry to break it to you Edward, but you aren't as strong as you think you are. You are like a careless defiant child who thinks they know every single little thing. I'm here to tell you; I am the real man, the real adult; more capable then you will ever try to be. And most of all, I can break you in every way possible. In the end Edward, you will not matter because once I help Jasper overcome this. He will not need you."


	8. Chapter 8

**As always enjoy and reviews are always welcomed.**

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I'm painting to slow down the time. It feels as if everything is on a steady paste I am yet ready for or ready to conquer. Times like these, I wouldn't mind being lost.

He was my life, my husband, my hopes and dreams. I don't think anyone can understand that unless they have really been in love. But I have a feeling that someday the pain I am in now will become his pain. Edward refuses to take blame for anything, and I feel its going to come back upon him ten-fold if he doesn't change. In all honesty I was more then ready for the counseling sections to be over with Edward. I or we had no other choice in the matter when the judge requested that upon officially filing for our divorce; Edward and I had to have a 12 session sit in for counseling.

We were going on three and I was starting to feel only one emotion towards Edward, and that was hatred. In between counseling, I still held my private ones with Dr. Swan. When I told him of my new found emotion towards Edward, Dr. Swan just smiled and said ," its about damn time you starting feeling something else. Take this as a good sign Jasper." However, I could not fathom how hatred towards someone could possibly be a good sign, though I didn't question what he said, I wasn't ready to and I think Dr. Swan saw that so he never went further into that conversation.

It has been a few months since my separation from Edward and I was beginning to grow as a person, however slowly that was coming along, but moving on from Edward as much I wished I could sometimes was a different story- before my eyes, my heart, everything about me evolved around him, but every blue moon I found myself looking, only looking, at other men. To be honest something about that kind of excited me, made my more...alive.


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